How to Strengthen Your Marriage During Infertility
Infertility is hard and it's no secret that it will severely impact your marriage. You'll be tested in ways that you didn't know possible and you may find that your communication is seriously lacking or that your intimacy is almost non-existent.
But it's important to remember that YOU are the foundation of everything you're currently working towards. Without the bond and connection that the two of you share, everything else will come crumbling down.
For us, personally, we had a very strict rule when going through our treatments. It was a rule we set in place before we started and it was a rule that we stuck by.
If we aren't working, we take a pause from treatment.
In our eyes, there's no reason to pour thousands of dollars into something to add to our plate when the actual plate itself is crumbling. So, what does "not working" look like? Let's talk about it.
For us, "not working" looked like:
- Fighting consistently. Whether it was about big issues or small matters, we weren't the type to fight a lot and we weren't going to start now.
- A lack of connection. You ever have those moments where you and your partner just aren't clicking? Like you're not on the same page? Again, why would we continue to push forward if we weren't connected or feeling like we were on the same team, fighting for the same goal?
- Overwhelmed by stress. I don't have to tell you that infertility is STRESSFUL. But the important part is not be defined by the stress. We didn't want to be so overwhelmed or overcome with stress that we were constantly at each other's throats.
Those are just a few random examples, but I think you get the idea. When infertility came into the picture, we were so beyond ready for a baby. We had been trying for years and we felt like we were so far behind in life (which we weren't, but it still felt like that).
So, let's be honest - we didn't want to stop treatments because of our own personal issues. Which meant we chose to pour into our marriage even more than before to make sure we were STRONG for this season and ready to handle whatever the future held for us.
We did a lot of work on our marriage in this season and sometimes it can be hard to come up with fun ideas to keep things interesting AND cheap because we all know that treatments are expensive so we had no business spending even more money on flashy date nights to keep our love alive.
Looking back, I can say that we handled that season really well. We put in the work to take care of our relationship and we made sure that we were constantly pouring into one another. In case you're just getting started or you're in the thick of it and needing a little boost, don't worry- I GOT YOU.
Here are some things we did to strengthen our marriage during infertility:
- Date Nights. These were a PRIORITY and I mean it. We made sure that every single week had a night carved out for us to go on a date and we had one rule: don't talk about treatments. You need time to be YOU away from the treatments and aside from infertility. You deserve to connect with your partner about other things in life like work, interests, hobbies, and more. Hear me when I say: don't skip out on the date night!
Two other important pieces to make our date nights effective: we took turns planning the date and we balled on a budget. We both had plenty of things going on so it didn't seem fair to put the pressure of constantly planning the date all on one person. We took turns from week to week and our goal was to "out create" the other person. He planned a picnic in the park with a bottle of wine? I'm gonna throw a paint party for us in the living room!
There are ways to be creative and cheap at the same time!
- Nightly Connection. Every night before we went to sleep, we would lay in bed and chat about what was going on and how we were feeling whether it be with treatment or life, etc. It can be SO easy to zone out and mindlessly watch TV or scroll your phone to detach from the day. We didn't want to do that so we made sure that there was about 10-15 minutes at the end of the day where we could sit and talk and connect about what was going on in our life.
- Meals at the Table. Which means no meals in front of the TV. Which means more talking and more connection. Which is CRUCIAL for strengthening your marriage during a tough season of life. So we put our phones away, turned off the TV, and tuned into one another. We'd chat about our day, play cards, or make plans for the weekend ahead.
- Do it TOGETHER. I think the biggest thing to help our connection through infertility was literally that we did it together. My husband was there for every single appointment and that was a game changer. I didn't feel like I had to go home and recount the whole appointment for him, hoping that I got all of the details correct. He was there, he was present, he heard it all just as I did.
This was HUGE in helping me to know that I wasn't alone which it's already so easy to feel that way since the woman is the one taking the brunt of the physical aspect so it was really nice to know that he was there and just as invested in this as I was.
*Pausing to say that there were definitely days that he wasn't able to make it and that was okay. He was there 99% of the time and that's what mattered the most!*
- Join a Small Group. Whether it's through your church or your local community, join a small group of any kind. We enjoyed Bible Study small groups but you could easily join a running club, coffee group, book club, marriage group, etc. The point is to join a small community of people that you can interact with on a regular basis. That way you're having your cup filled by being around others while also making sure to get involved in something outside of your life of infertility.
It's going to take work and it may take more work than you thought, that's okay. If you're struggling to feel connected or on the same page as your partner, TELL THEM. Open the doors of communication and talk to them about how you're feeling, but please don't feel like you have to limit it to the happy, easy stuff. Marriage deserves effort and sometimes effort looks like talking about the hard stuff that we don't want to talk about.
No one said that this was going to be easy, but I can guarantee you that it will be worth it! If you're going through infertility and you're looking for some tangible resources to help strengthen your marriage along the way, check out these items from the shop:
"Prayers for My Marriage" Scripture Cards