Pregnancy Tests Do Not Define You
It baffles me that one little plastic pregnancy test can bear so much weight. I mean, besides the fact that it holds the answer to the heaviest question of all, how can one little plastic test have the ability to break you? I guess if we're being honest here, we know that it's not the test itself that breaks you. It's the answer.
So, let me say this loud and clear for those in the back- THIS DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.
It does not define your worth as a woman, a mother, or as a person in general. I know what it feels like to struggle to conceive a child. I know what it feels like to suffer for days, even weeks, after receiving a negative test. I know what it feels like to feel like a failure as a wife and woman for not being able to do what my body was created to do.
But, sister, these tests and the outcome of these tests DO NOT DEFINE YOU. I know that may be a hard thing to hear and to swallow, but it's true. And sadly, I think a pivotal point in my healing process during our infertility was when I started to accept and be okay with the thought that Alex and I may not have children. But I came to realize that as much as we wanted children and as much as I desperately desired to be a mother, my worth and overall happiness could not be solely based upon the fact of having children. It's a hard truth to face and honestly, it sucks that I had to have that conversation within myself. It sucks, even more, knowing that only 1 in 8 American women have this internal battle. Simply put, it doesn't seem fair.
Throughout our journey, I received A LOT of negative pregnancy tests. My negatives reached an all-time high in 2018 during our time with IUIs. I would test and test and test again before finally believing that another month went by unsuccessful. Seeing so many negatives so close together really took a toll on me emotionally and mentally. Yet, for whatever reason, I clung to my negative pregnancy tests like a dried-up bouquet. And I'm not entirely sure why I chose to keep them, but I did. I had a little graveyard of used up negative tests stored away under our bathroom sink. In a tampon box of all places- oh, the irony. I know I'm not the only infertility warrior that has chosen to save their collection of pregnancy tests. Over the years, I've chatted with a handful of other warriors who have also kept their stash of negative tests
I've often wondered why I chose to keep any of my tests at all and I wish I could give you some philosophical insight as to why, but I can't. And I'm also not sure why I'm currently feeling the need to justify my reasoning in keeping them. I didn't even save every single test, just certain ones that felt worthy of saving. There were even times where I received the confirmation of a negative and threw the test in the trash only to come running back to it 30 minutes later. I'd rescue the test from the trash and check it, of course, to make sure it hadn't magically changed within that time and put it with the other disappointments under the sink. I no longer have them. I think I threw them out with all of our extra things from our time with IUI- like empty medicine bottles, ovulation tracking sticks, etc. I hated our time with IUIs and I needed to dump it all in order to move on.
Maybe it started out as a piece of hope? Like maybe I could have our announcement photo include a sonogram surrounded by negative tests and all of the other things we required in order to conceive. Then, when it got to be too much and a little out of hand, I decided to ditch the idea and dump them all. I like to think that was my reasoning, but I'm just not sure. After a while, I stopped envisioning us having a pregnancy announcement photo at all, but I still chose to keep the tests. So, maybe it was my way of holding onto hope? Or just holding on to every single thing I could to help me remember that we were trying for a baby and that this wasn't all some kind of messed up dream. Or, heck, maybe I did it as a way to encourage myself to keep going and fight the odds. Or maybe it was a yearning for control? I've been wracking my brain all week long trying to come up with reasoning and I've got nothing.
But I will say this- I stopped putting so much emphasis on the tests when we ended our journey with IUIs. After I threw out my stash, I didn't buy another pack of tests or allow another test into our home for almost a full year. And I think the pivotal moment was me realizing that my worth was not found within the 3-5 minute time frame when you're losing your shit and waiting for the biggest answer of your life. I surrendered our entire journey to God and trusted that His plan for our lives was going to be better than what I could want or imagine. All of these years later, I will fully admit that that was the best thing that I could've ever done. I'm here, on the other side, with our 8.5 mos old baby boy and I can absolutely admit that this life that we have right now is FAR better than anything I ever could've imagined. Through our infertility, I found my voice and my passion of helping others. My purpose was made clear to me during our struggle and I am thankful for the lessons I was able to learn during our hardship.
And I'd love to pause here for a second and just encourage you. If you're in the waiting, or maybe you've welcomed your baby earth-side, I challenge you to look at your journey thus far. What have you learned? How did your journey shape you into who you are today? What did you learn from your journey that you wouldn't have learned otherwise?
In continuing on the conversation of pregnancy tests- on the flip side, I never ended up keeping my first and only positive pregnancy test.
We did a frozen embryo transfer and had to wait 8 long days to see if it was successful. On day 8 I went to our Fertility Clinic for a blood pregnancy test and then received the results via phone call a few hours later. Even then, I couldn't bring myself to take a pregnancy test. It would've been positive, that I knew for sure. Yet, I still didn't do it. Instead, I waited until I was FOUR MONTHS pregnant before I summoned the courage to take the test.
In full transparency, I was always horrified that the test would come back negative. Even though I knew I was pregnant and was feeling all of the symptoms and watching my belly grow, part of me couldn't help but think that it could be negative. So I waited until I was four months pregnant and even then, it wasn't done upon my startling realization that I was ready to do it. A pregnancy test company had reached out to me and asked if I felt comfortable trying/sharing their tests. They supported the infertility community and recognized the fact that we were their main consumer. As soon as I read that statement alone, I loved the company and everything they stood for so I agreed to receive their test. In fact, had it not been for them reaching out, I'm not sure that I ever would've taken one.
The test came in the mail with some crayons, a relaxation coloring book, a calming herbal tea, and some confetti. What a way to celebrate, am I right? Yet, I still felt hesitation. I waited a couple of weeks before biting the bullet and peeing on the stick. I held my breath for what felt like forever until I saw that strong positive come through.
And before I continue on, I do feel the urge to express to you that this whole experience of receiving a positive pregnancy test was not my ideal situation. I mean we've discussed this topic before (and this tangent alone is part of the backbone of the Show the Negative project), but it just sucks when these seemingly blissful moments don't pan out the way we think they will or should. I had envisioned Alex and I meeting in the hallway to share a warm embrace and an intimate kiss. Or heck, maybe we would've waited for the test results together. But none of those things happened and it's okay. Not every moment in our life is going to be the way we want it to be and not every moment in life is going to be picture perfect. My goal in sharing this with you is to simply share real and raw footage of our life. We didn't have this huge drawn-out moment and I never kept the test that I waited so long to receive.
I think I saved that test and let it sit on the counter for the evening before finally retiring it to the trash can, but as I look back on this moment, I really wish I would've kept it. Of all my tests, I wish that that one would've been the one to receive a long term spot under our bathroom counter before it found it's well-deserved spot in Aspen's baby book.
And before I continue on, I do feel the urge to express to you that this whole experience of receiving a positive pregnancy test was not my ideal situation. I mean we've discussed this topic before (and this tangent alone is part of the backbone of the Show the Negative project), but it just sucks when these seemingly blissful moments don't pan out the way we think they will or should. I had envisioned Alex and I meeting in the hallway to share a warm embrace and an intimate kiss. Or heck, maybe we would've waited for the test results together. But none of those things happened and it's okay. Not every moment in our life is going to be the way we want it to be and not every moment in life is going to be picture perfect. My goal in sharing this with you is to simply share real and raw footage of our life. We didn't have this huge drawn-out moment and I never kept the test that I waited so long to receive. But in turn, we chose to keep other items from my pregnancy and thereafter. We have every ultrasound and they're on display in our son's room starting with his embryo transfer and ending with the last ultrasound photo we have of him. We kept every card that people sent us to welcome him earth-side and we have thousands of photos of him and our family since the moment he was born.
At the end of the day, these are the things that matter. These are the things that hold value and these- important milestones of life- are the moments that define you. I haven't kept all of our "souvenirs" from our infertility days. We have a box from IVF in our closet, but that's only because we have extra needles and medicine that we may need for future embryo transfers. The negative tests, used needles, old medication bottles, etc. are part of our journey to be parents- yes. However, those items do not define us as parents or as people. We are more than IVF parents, IVF patients, negative pregnancy tests, and empty medicine bottles. We are more than our infertility and that's just the dang truth.
I usually try to end these posts with some sort of conclusion or inspiring notion to leave you chewing on until we meet again. But today, I'm thinking that may not be the ending this post needs. Instead, I just want to say that you're not alone. If you're walking through the murky waters of infertility and doing things like keeping negative pregnancy tests with no inclination as to why- you're not alone. Do whatever you need to do in order to cope through your journey and please just remember that there is a large community of infertility warriors out there that are ready to stand with you and fight with you, every step of the way.